Monday, October 8, 2018

Keeping Up Appearances

Today I had an appointment for a consultation about having some Juvederm injections under my eyes.  I have always disliked the look of the skin under my eyes.
It has always looked like I've had bags since I was a little kid because of all the eye surgeries I've had.
When I used to get annoyed by it, I would always remind myself that at least I can see and my left eye isn't all weird anymore.  As I've gotten older, however, it's gotten worse quicker than it probably should have so I figured I'd go talk to someone about maybe a quick fix.
I was told that for the results I was looking for, of course surgery would be the best option.
The doctor did say that she could make the area look nice and a bit fuller with injections but that it would only last about a year or so.
She was also impressed that I have no crow's feet.
We had a lovely chat and they worked up a price quote for me which came to between $800 and $1200.
Yup.
The fountain of sort of looking a bit younger, is not cheap.
I went ahead and scheduled an appointment for November, the Monday after Thanksgiving.
I don't really think I intend to keep the appointment considering I will be in Nashville with a friend at that time.
I like to travel more than I care about looking good.
That quote is enough for me to take that trip to Iceland we were looking at to ring in the New Year under the Northern Lights.
It is also enough to go on that fun river cruise with Dat from Prague to Paris.
So I am pretty sure I won't be getting it done unless I slip on another grape at Publix!
But even then I would use the money more wisely I'm pretty sure.
I just can't be that vain.
Some people are but I could do so much other stuff with those $$$.
But while I'm speaking of vanity and appearances...
Dudes, what the fuck is up with a goatee?
I was telling my buddy Andrew, when he asked how my dating was going, that it seemed that when dudes turn 45 they are required to have a goatee.
I informed him that it was one of the main reasons I don't really date guys my age.
That fucking goatee.
It's not sexy.
It's a bit weird.
Not a beard, not a moustache, but a weird little combo of both that looks like a hair donut around your mouth. Yes, that's right and it looks just as sexy as my description.
Hair donut.
Those crazy long ass beards freak me out too.
What the hell is living in there?
And the soul patch.
You don't see many of them but when you do, they're awful.
Okay - I had to go off on a tangent there.
Andrew told me his dad has a goatee.
I said, "He got it when he was 45, didn't he?"
He said, "Yes, around then."
Why?
Who knows?
All I know is I won't be dating you if you have one.
Sorry. Not sorry.
Okay so that's enough about appearances.
Maybe the goatee guys don't like old ladies with bags under their eyes but I'm sure I can find a nice young man in Italy without a goatee to make me feel better about not getting Juvederm injections.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

The Big Box Brand Name Church

Most people know I am a Christian.
I know some of my blogs and adventures seem risqué but I am usually saved from myself by the spirit that lives in me. Thankfully!
So, where to begin my tiny rant?
I will tell you I’m at least as fed up as Martin Luther must have been
(not Dr MLK jr - altho he was fed up too)
I am tired of driving past churches that have extravagant electronic signs, giant gymnasiums and recreation centers and pastors with multi-million dollar homes.
Is this why the church is tax exempt?
Has Satan really clouded your vision so much as to think this is a good and necessary thing?
I hear people in these churches saying things like “why should we help immigrants when we haven’t even helped our own at home?”
Well who the heck do you think is supposed to do the helping?
You are!
The church.
And not with a fancy house or sign.
The church has failed the community.
We wouldn’t need social programs if the church was doing what it is called to do; what Christ said to do.
Don’t like taxes paying for kids’ school lunches - feed the community
Don’t like so much crime in the city - create community centers where they are needed and co-operate them with people from the church and the community
Tired of seeing so many homeless people - create community parks and spaces with shelter in which the homeless and the community can be the caretakers
It’s time for the church to step up.
Stop wasting millions of dollars on things that only benefit the church and be a part of the community.
Partnership creates a culture of ownership and mutual respect.
Provide food, shelter, clothing and most of all fellowship in which the teachings of Christ are at the center of every action - Walk the Talk, Lead by Example.
Give Christians a good name for a change.
Stop judging others - there is but one judge according to your own beliefs - live it!! Do unto others. Love your brother as yourself!!
Christ tells us we aren’t supposed to do things for those who are like us but for those who are not like us. None of us are perfect and we all sin differently - you are no exception! I am definitely no exception!
Step out in faith and let God do the rest!
Personally, I try to put my money where my mouth is but I intend to step up even more in the next few months.
Stay tuned.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Pain: It's Really Not Cool.

As many of you are aware, I have an inoperable cervical spinal cord injury.
This little gem is a gift that keeps on giving.
The past few days it has been incredibly troublesome - not the injury itself but the mayhem it causes when creating bizarre signals with the brain.
Every day since 1999 I feel like someone has struck me on the back of the neck with a baseball bat.
(with the exception of that one time in California with a brownie that we won't discuss here)

So why am I discussing this?
Well, I have a new issue.
The last few nights I find it has been impossible to sleep due to the extreme level of lower back and abdominal pain even after taking a handful of pills (which I hate doing) I couldn't make it stop.
It's like a belt of intense pain!
That level of pain is very taxing on a person's attitude and sanity.
You have no concept of when or if it is going to stop or at the very least, ease up a bit..
Last night, however, I realized that when I was standing (to go get more pills) the pain subsided substantially.
Well now I have a new problem to solve:
How am I going to sleep standing up?
(I already work standing up)
Tonight I am going to try sitting up to sleep and see if that helps.
I hope it is the answer I’m looking for because pain can take you to a pretty dark place.
If you’re not careful, staring down into that bottle of pills can look like the quick way out.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Too Nice? No Such Thing.

I had a person recently tell me that I was too nice.
This person wasn't a friend but wasn't a complete stranger either.
The main reason this person pointed this out to me though wasn't so much about me as it was about how it made them feel about their behavior.  My being nice would then force them into being nice and apparently this was not something they wanted to be and therefore felt the weight of guilt come down upon them. Even though they fancied themselves to be kind and compassionate, being forced to be mean to me by me in order to get me to go away, made them feel bad.
Got all that?
It's confusing isn't it?
I was confused.
I learned a long time ago there are only two types of people in this world:
nice people and assholes
and we get to choose which to be at any given moment
if you aren't being nice then guess what, buddy?

I choose to be nice in most situations because I have had a lot of people be assholes to me in my life and it is not fun.  If I can make someone smile or laugh or feel good about themselves, I'm going to do it.  If you choose to be an asshole, that's 100% on you.
Own it.

I was given this on a flight earlier this year and this is why I am nice:


























There is way too much sadness, pain and injustice in this world to go around being an asshole.  I am going to be nice. I am always going to try my hardest to be nice - sometimes I may get upset - especially when someone tries to make me feel bad for being a nice person, but ultimately I even forgive that person for being a dick to me and feel horrible that I became upset.

I try to keep a handle on my emotions but once I open up to someone and begin to care about them and they in turn become an asshole, I get a little disturbed by that.
Do you not believe you deserve kindness?
Do you feel that it has to be reciprocated?
And if so, are you unable to be nice for no reason?

Be honest with me. Honesty is kindness.
Most people don't want to be honest because they falsely believe that withholding information is nice to that individual - but it is really delayed doucheyness. You are only trying to protect yourself and your feelings and that makes you an asshole!

I have also decided that I have very little time for negativity in my life any longer.  If you choose to see life as a series of horrible events that are happening to you and you take that out on everyone around you - asshole.

I have been through some horrible shit in my short life and have been able to maintain a relatively positive outlook.  Being an asshole accomplishes nothing.  I know people who have had horrible things happen to them as well - some turn into assholes because of it and they will never get over it - but the ones who have chosen positivity and kindness are the ones I choose to hang around with - and they are the ones who know the true value of life and how to live it.

Ultimately, kindness and being nice is a reflection of the love we see in the world - and Love Always Wins.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Dating: So Sad, It's Funny?

We all know by now that I am an "on again, off again" online/app dater.  I do it for a while until I realize that it is a nightmare and never really meet any "good" people.  I'm not saying they aren't out there; I'm just saying I haven't met them yet. 
So today I just want to take you on a visual ride-along of what that journey looks like.
Buckle up, Buttercup!! 

First, we'll start with some of the choices from the various platforms that made me wonder: WTF?



I think the main thing I want to know here is:
What is going on with your shirt, Patrick?
Are you drunk? Is it drunk?
Were you drunk when you put it on? Did you try to take it off because you were drunk?
I have questions - but not enough to swipe right.






I only have one question here:
Is he trying to smuggle a salami?


















I wasn't sure what to think of either of these.
What are we looking at here exactly?



Dane, are you angry?
Did your kids break the fucking lamp again?













Jerry, no dandruff?
thinning hair?
because I know you can't think that man bun is going to do all the work for you.










This one really got me thinking.
Jonathan, are you a lamp?
A ghost in the doorway?
Have you fallen and can't get up?
Then I saw that you wanted to make sure we knew you were a Gemini (props, I am too) - that, coupled with your comment...
it all made sense;
Jonathan, don't build your profile when you're high, bro.







This guy!
Okay, dude, we're clear.
















The following was just part of a bio I found amusing. It's from that guy that spams everyone. You can tell by his sentence structure - I mean c'mon, who doesn't love to have a boogie? and you know he has to Europe & Middle East - we all do sometime, don't we??




















Okay, that was a fun little adventure.  But how about some actual communications?
Well, I'm glad you asked because I do have a few!!
Let's see.... where to start:


So. Many. Things.
Why contact me if you 'do not know'?
What's up with the bloodshot eyes, guy?
High?
Too much scrolling with not enough blinking?
Constipated?
'Ugh' is right.
















That name, dude.
You think you got mad skillz



















  
The sky is married. 
The sky is a hand.
The sky touches the light.
The sky wants to know how I'm doing.
The sky has a small penis I can tell by its hand.

a poem.





excuse me?
what?

and this interaction of relentless pursuit:



 There were actually a few more text exchanges prior to that first one there but I failed to get screen grabs.
He stopped after I figured out his plan to sell me insurance though. 



my question is, who are these almost 1800 men and why are only the weird ones contacting me?
Perhaps I will actually pay to check it out one day when I get serious. but until then...






Thursday, June 28, 2018

Shit You Should Know

(this is an old one that I found sitting in the "drafts" folder perhaps I was going to add more but this seems like enough for now)

I began to notice that it seems as though there has been a rise in the number of idiots in the world.  Now perhaps it’s just me getting older or my lack of ability to suffer fools but whatever the case, these are a few small bits of information that I thought might be helpful to those less informed individuals  (I don’t think idiot is an acceptable PC term- so, sorry, to the idiots out there)  It will also help me be less annoyed.
I feel that most of the general population lacks what I refer to as “Sesame Street Skills” and, at the very least, the younger generation who never watched Sesame Street.
Old episodes can be found on YouTube if you wish to go back and learn what you should have learned when you were 4 or 5 years old!
Here we go:
Please get a pen and note pad and not your phone.  I noticed the kids in school who take notes in their phone always fail tests. For some reason they seem to think taking the notes into the phone will miraculously transfer said information into their brain without having to ever look at it again. In reality, I know they just took notes into the phone to appease the professor – so get a pen and paper!


-          Look both ways before crossing the street.  This is done to look for oncoming traffic. It is your responsibility to keep yourself alive.  Yes, pedestrians have the right of way but not if you are not seen.  Sometimes the driver actually doesn't see you.  Sometimes they are participating in a DeathRace situation; in which case you're doomed.  Either way, you can’t go to court and sue if you’re dead.  Remember that.

-          When crossing the street, hopefully at the corner or crosswalk where your ass should be, it is wise to walk BEHIND any car that may be waiting for a stop sign or stoplight.  Remember, it is your responsibility to keep yourself alive.  This will help.  Sometimes drivers get excited and will just go. (or that DeathRace thing) If you cross in front of them, you may die.  If you cross behind their car, you just may live

-          Cross the street at a street corner or crosswalk, dingus.

-          Taking your foot off the accelerator (gas) pedal will slow a car down.  “The hell?”  you say.  It’s true.  You don’t have to slam on your brakes on the highway all the fucking time.  If you see traffic slowing, take your foot off the gas.

-          Don’t stand directly in front and center of an elevator when waiting for it.  Surprise, surprise! Other people may be in there and need to get off.  You will be in their way and vice versa. Don’t be an ass.  Stand to the side.  Preferably the right-hand side but I know that may be pushing it. Let them off before you go all Pavlovian stampeding forward just because you heard the “ding”

-          Move to the right.  I can never stress this enough!!!!  If you are in the US or most other nations that are not British or under British rule; move to the right.

-          If you’re not sure how to do something, try to figure that shit out!  The best way to gain problem solving skills is by… wait for it…. solving problems!  “But how?” you may ask – figure that shit out too, dingus.  (hint: Google knows a lot of stuff; so does YouTube and they put instructions on just about EVERYTHING if you know how to read!  
Crazy. 
I know.