Thursday, November 21, 2013

Getting Older and Dying

I was chit chatting with Chad the other day and we were discussing the younger generation.  It seems that he is just as annoyed with them as I am.
We discussed how each generation is getting dumber and dumber, ours included.
We completely accept that we are not as intellegent or enterprising as the generation previous. 
Every generration seems to have the same complaint about the generation that follows; "These kids today!"
And it is 100% completely true.  
Some may argue that "our generation has some really smart folks who  made some incredible discoveries and advances blah blah blah" 
Yeah, but so did the generation before you and they were way more awesome than whatever you have to show.  Whatever you did to invent facebook will never be more awesome than shooting a man into space with such limited resources.
It just won't.
Ever.
Sorry.
But this brought our conversation around to the realization of the reason that we must pass on.
If we didn't die, then we would all be killed by the previous generations who could no longer deal with our stupidity.  They would not be able to handle it and they would wipe us all out.
If I had to go 2 or 3 hundred years watching the downward spiral of intelligence that I am currently wittnessing, then yes, I too would want to save the future generations from themselves by wiping them out.
So we must die in order for the human race to continue on, whether or not that means becoming the most stupid beings of all time.  

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Petey

PETEY the LARVA
This is my illustration of my little "pet" I affectionately dubbed Petey.
Petey is a larva of some sort.  He is very tiny.  About half a centimeter long and only one quarter centimeter wide.  He is black and fuzzy and will probably change into a moth at some point.

These are the things that were going through my mind when I first noticed Petey at the beginning-ish of October when I was on the toilet one morning and noticed him in the crack where the wall meets the floor beneath the towel rack.  At first I thought he was dead.  Then, when I noticed he was moving, I was going to kill him.  I decided not to.  He wasn't bothering me and moths don't really bother me all that much so, whatever.  Keep on, keeping on, Petey.

Now my month of October and the first week of November have been of nightmarish quality in my personal life.  Anything that could go wrong, did.  My body was not taking the stress too well either.  So when I went to the bathroom the next day after seeing Petey for the first time, I noticed he had gone about and inch and a half across the floor.

The next day about the same.  In two days of travel, Petey had gone a whole of three inches, if that.  I thought to myself that no matter what I was going through, it was not as difficult as this little larva guy who had just travelled for 48 hours and moved a whole 3 inches.

Every morning as I sat on the throne I would track Petey's progress.  He was my inspiration to keep going.  Upon leaving the bathroom each day, I would say "Get it, Petey!"
Not just for his benefit, but my own as well.

After about a month, Petey had made it all the way around the corner and almost reached the end of the full length of the tub.  Petey had travelled almost a whole 3 feet!!  What he was eating or what was driving him or even where he was going, I cannont say.  He just kept on keeping on.

The day before yesterday, Friday November 15th, 2013,  I did not see Petey.  He had a habit of getting the bath mat tossed on top of him.  Not this day.  I looked and looked and could not find Petey anywhere.  Hmm.  Perhaps he has gotten to where ever he needed to be for the next stage of his life.  I was a little sad.
I didn't give it much more thought assuming he would appear again the next day.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning, as is my custom, and what did I see?
A ginormous spider in the corner by the tub!
"Where the hell did THAT come from??"  I thought.
Upon closer inspection, he was eating Petey!!!
OMG!! NO!! NOT PETEY!!! 
I was angry.
Very angry.  Stupid spider.
I scooped him up with Petey still paralyzed in his clutches and flushed the bastard down the toilet.

So there you have it.  Nothing is as bad as poor Petey travelling for almost 6 weeks to go 3 feet and then getting eaten by a fucking spider.

I drew this picture of him last night as a memorial card to remind me that I don't really have it all that bad.

RIP, Petey.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Of Passion and Pain - A Bitch Session with a Pinch of Self Pity.

I am lucky enough to have been given a gift.  The gift of creativity and being able to express it in a visual way.  I draw, paint, sculpt, build furniture and take photographs.  All of these activities are great passions of mine that occur in a rotation depending upon inspiration.  Some times they occur in tandem, culminating in a mixed media adventure.  
The process of creating is my greatest source of stress relief and also a time of reflection.  When I am creating, I exist in my imagination, alone, with only the task at hand for company.  I lose all track of space and time.  It is wonderful.
However, when I need to create and am unable, I feel like a caged animal.  Trapped in a world to which I do not belong.  Surrounded by strangers and weirdoes with no means of escape.  During those bleak times I will usually turn to writing because I can always find a means to put words out into the world.  It is of little consolation though.
The greatest challenge I currently face is having plenty of time to create but having the desire killed by physical pain.  
This is more of a torture than the physical pain could ever be.  
I find myself stressed and inspired and ready to create but then the inability to engage in the creation process is always brought to an abrupt halt by the inability to physically perform a task - be it hold a paint brush or camera, to just being able to focus without being distracted by the sensation that my toes are on fire and both of my legs have fallen asleep.  Then there are the uncontrollable muscle spasms that occur when holding a pencil in the manner necessary to put stokes on paper.  
All of these setbacks become too daunting to overcome (they unfortunately can never be overcome but only worsen since I suffer from a degenerative condition) Depression and self pity settle into where inspiration and drive once lived. One of the worst parts is the atrophy that occurs during long periods of non creativity.  
Under normal circumstances, an artist grows ever more skilled and honed as the years pass.  Growth and experimentation become the next steps of the seasoned artist.  In my case, I feel as though I am starting from the beginning each time I approach a canvas or sketch book.  
And for the most part, I am.  
Learning how I will hold the pencil for that day becomes more of a task than actually putting the vision of my mind's eye on paper.  This daily focus on the technicalities is taking its toll on my creativity and what used to be exceptional skill.  I'll have a brilliant idea and cannot bring it to fruition because of physical limitations.  This is not to say I haven't tried to compensate.  These limitations are the reason I began to paint in the first place.  I was unable to hold a pencil or knife in order to do the precision work I used to do and took to a more loose style of painting with a medium I used to despise, acrylics.  In two years, during a time of intense physical therapy, I was able to turn out about 80 paintings in a style that was basic but still filled a necessary need in my life.  
Creation is like breathing to me.  
When I cannot create I feel as though I am suffocating.
So what is one to do when the pain is doing its damnedest to smother the passion?  The regression in my works and ability just leads to apathy which then, of course, leads to more atrophy.  
Where does it end?
It has become a viscous cycle and one that seems to have no end.  Even as I sit here writing this, I cannot find a comfortable sitting position.  The folks in this coffee shop must think I have a nervous tic as I jerk forward each time I feel the stab of pain in the center of my spine.  A pain that seems to be hitting every 5 seconds and has become distracting enough to make it into this blog post.  
I think about Frida Khalo and how she used to work her pain into her art but I do not want to give my pain any place of honor, as it deserves none.
Most people are unaware that I have this condition because I don't want anyone to think of me as handicapped in any way.  I only let people know who need to know in case of an incident so they can provide informed information to emergency personnel if needed.  
I refuse to let my pain overtake my passion but it becomes more and more difficult with each day that passes, each project that goes unfinished and each inspiration that goes unrealized. 
If anyone has any ideas, I am open to them.  
I will not let this pain win.
As of right now, the only future I see is as a performance artist who screams, cries and convulses at irregular intervals in odd locations around town.  Locations like the grocery store, this coffee shop or any other place I happen to be when some ridiculous pain chooses to strike.  
Of course that would be giving in to the pain.  
Perhaps I should acknowledge & embrace the pain and when it strikes, just go with it and put out a tip cup.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

An oldie but goodie from 2008 - because I haven't posted in June. Enjoy!

The office network printer; invented to allow people in an office environment the ability to print documents and various other necessities (ie labels, envelopes etc) from the comfort of their desk, to pick up at their leisure.

Where did it go wrong?

This process is simple, in theory - but anyone who has actually had to perform the action of printing to a network printer understands this is not the case.
Daily I see people at this machine and they are not happy and neither are they carrying a stack of newly printed media with a huge, satisfied smile on their face.
No, these people are confused, angry and mystified by this alien piece of equipment.
I see them on their knees looking under the machine.
I see them with the top opened and their hands on some rollers inside.
I see them reading the tiny little LCD screen looking for any signs of help.
I see them shoving paper in. I see them pulling paper out.
I see them slamming doors shut and yanking them open.
I see them give up and go back to their cubicle, defeated.
Defeated by a simple machine.

So what's the problem here?
Why doesn't it work?

Well in order to find that out you will need to call someone in the IT department who will then tell you that you need to call a 1-800 number that is on the machine -
"Didn't you see it when it came up in the LCD screen on the printer?"
You will then need to place a repair ticket order and a time will be scheduled for a repairman to come out to your location.
All this in order to print out the directions to your kid's friend's birthday party tonight! sheesh

This machine is very menacing and the complexity of this simple machine has been parodied many times - (ie: Office Space and countless sitcoms)
What does PC load letter mean anyway?
You can find that out here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PC_Load_Letter

The office network printer; turns out it serves many purposes:
- to make employees happy to be at home
- to provide job security for printer repair men
- to provide a challenge to cryptographers who write the content for the little LCD menu
- hours of entertainment for those who watch people trying to use the printer
- saves company money on ink by not printing documents

So you decide:
Friendly machine - or deadly nemesis



Monday, May 13, 2013

Samuel L Jackson

I was talking to someone about this at one time.  
Can't really recall who it was, but most probably Frank considering the nature of the discussion.

I had remarked about a black comedian (can't remember which - don't do drugs!) anyhoo, this comedian remarked about how there would never be a black Batman.  
The original joke aside (which I can't remember either. OMG)  I started thinking about this statement and running the idea through my head when I realized that Samuel L Jackson would make THE BEST BATMAN EVER!
Picture it:  "who the hell are you?"
Sam Jackson: "I'm the muthafuckin' Batman, that's who the fuck I AM?"
"Who the FUCK are you?"  then he would proceed to bitch slap the shit out of the Joker or Penguin or whichever enemy was in this scene - using that big black leather glove with the bat spikes on it.
How awesome would THAT be??
I know, right?

So then I was watching early morning TV (like at 5am while getting ready to head out to a shoot)
and I remember (yay) watching the news and the investigative consumer reporter came on with his story about a business that screwed over some folks and when he tried to get a word from the business they close the door on him etc etc... you know the scenario.
Then it dawns on me - Samuel L Jackson needs to be a consumer investigative reporter!!!
Why is it always some mousey, skinny guy with glasses and a short sleeved buttoned down shirt?
What gives?
Sam Jackson would just shove the fucking door open and go "Oh no you don't, motherfucker!! You don't shut the fucking door in MY motherfuckin' face!!"
and then he would shove the door open and the business proprietor would be all scared and fall backward onto his ass in the doorway 
"I AM going to get some answers and you WILL be giving these people back their damn money!! Got it, motherfuckerr?!?" 
He would get them their money back and be all sweet to the people and the business guy would be getting up and brushing off his pants and Sam Jackson would shove him back down.
How awesome would THAT be??
I know, right? 

I will let you know if I come up with any other perfect fit roles for Samuel L Jackson. 
Feel free to let me know if you have any.  
I follow him on the Twitter - I can maybe pitch a few. 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Shared Space

I have this weird feeling that there is another being sharing my body with me. Or perhaps it is me sharing its body. Whatever the case, it is definitely a strange feeling. I feel that this is the case mostly because of my vision as of late. I keep seeing darkness around the outer field of my vision. Like blobs of darkness around the edges but when I concentrate on them, suddenly they are just gone. The being realizes I have noticed him.
The moments when I forget where I am, I'm pretty sure that he has taken control for whatever reason. I will be driving and completely forget where I am and where I am going. It's him. I know it. When I forget why I have gone into a room, I'm pretty sure it's because he wanted something in there and when I regain control, no clue what's going on. I don't think he quite has a handle on how to operate me yet. I wonder what it will be like once he does.
I used to be convinced that when I thought I saw someone out of the corner of my eye that it was not a trick at all but someone really there. They just realized they were caught and skedaddled before I could do a double take. I think there may be a whole other life that happens in the space that we don't occupy. People or things that live while we are at rest. How often do you hear sounds at night that you simply attribute to "the house settling" or the wind outside or a million other excuses. We all think we catch a glimpse of someone in the hall or walking past or whatever. You hear a voice say your name or something else but you don't recognize it or it belongs to someone you know isn't in the house.
What if there really is someone there? Using the space and time you don't? What if our minds and vision aren't playing tricks on us but simply reporting the facts? It would be quite efficient of some race of beings don't you think? Resting while we are awake and operating while we are asleep. Brilliant.
Perhaps they were just there watching me. Getting a handle on the language and testing it out loud every now and then to get used to how it sounds and works. Living in the shadows, an alien voyeur trying to learn everything about me. Then he decided to move in. The cause of my unexplained eye twitches and muscle spasms. That weird sensation between my toes; it's my new body mate. My loss of appetite and insomnia would easily be explained by this invasion. Nothing else seems a reasonable explanation to me. This would also account for my digestive disturbances and extreme change in vision. I'm okay if something wants to move in but does it have to be so disruptive? Just settle in and get with the program already. Sheesh.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

I Got Nothin'

Seriously, guys.  Nothing.  Believe it or not, Gina has nothing to say today?


Can I muster something?  Hmmm.
Trader Joe's has a dark chocolate raisin pecan bar that I really enjoy.

I really miss all my intellectually stimulating friends.
I only see people when I work.  I like my work people.
They are always fun and interesting but I only see them like, 5 days a month.
That sucks.

School is okay but the students are dinguses.  Here is a little something a fellow student wrote in response to my required diatribe about Abstract Expressionism.
and I quote:
"Artist used simple line and shapes to paint pretty picture. Line was drawn to form other than look for an actual visible picture. The artist intented viewers to look hard into lines and see the form that creates a pretty picture. some artist used vary colors to express their emotion by the movement of the line, and shapes form."
 
I kid you not.  WTF?  Has no one learned how to form complete sentences? What about proper verb form and tense? How about just knowing the simple difference between a singular and plural noun? 
Holy Jumping Moses, people.  And just FYI, this person is NOT, I repeat NOT foreign.  I know I have many foreign acquaintances and I can forgive language issues for those not of the native tongue but again - SHEESH!!  
 
Okay, there was something.  See? If I try I can always find something that chaps my ass.
Making a fresh cup of tea and then forgetting I made a fresh cup of tea only to find it later when the water (and hence the tea) has gone tepid kind of chaps my ass too.  I will drink it anyway, but by gawd I will not enjoy it quite as much as I would have when it was scalding hot!!!
 
How about something that makes me smile? The dog lays in funny positions and that always makes me giggle.  He's silly.   

That's it.  I want to try to write more here and not so much on my iPad note app. 
I know I say that every month/year but I promise to try harder.
I am also working on a website of some of my more risque memoirs - I will let you know if I decide to make it a public site.  There are some pretty entertaining stories.
Just not so sure if I want people knowing that much of my bidness.  Yes, bidness.

Goodnight then. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A Bad Way to Go

I ate something questionable for lunch today.

I'm at that point where I can't justify going grocery shopping until I finish up some of the food and leftovers in the fridge. I suspected the salmon curry was bad. To make matters worse, I added some suspicious sausage to it. You'd think I would have known the salmon curry wasn't going to keep longer than a week. The chicken sausage that was frozen for 3 months, then thawed and sitting in the bottom crisper drawer for the better part of 2 weeks was probably not a good choice to add to it to make it more substantial. I think it made it more lethal than anything.

I have been feeling queasy ever since. It tasted pretty okay and it didn't smell funny. I think I nuked it plenty long enough too. My stomach apparently has more discerning tastes. Wonder if it's food poisoning.

I think the worst part about food poisoning, especially the deadly kind like e-coli and salmonella, is that if you die from it, that means your last meal pretty much sucked.... like really bad.

That would be unfortunate if that curry mess was my last meal.

I am a way better cook than that.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Your resolutions for 2013

I know that we are already a week into the new year. Many of you have your list of resolutions ready to go and you are feeling good about them. You've put a lot of thought into the list goals and this is the year you are REALLY going to stick to them.
I say throw that shit in the trash because I have a list of resolutions that everyone needs to make or knows someone who needs to. These are what I like to call a return to the basic Sesame Street skills and other things that everyone seems to have forgotten.
This list will make life easier for everyone (including you) if we can all get back to it.

Consider THESE your (or someone you know) new resolutions:

1 - MOVE TO THE RIGHT
Seems simple enough. If you live in these United States this one simple rule will save you from a whole host of confusion and embarrassments.
A few examples are:
• If you hear a siren behind you in traffic
Do not freeze like some kind of stupid deer or possum caught in the headlights. By law (it's in the driver's manual) you are supposed to MOVE TO THE RIGHT of the road to let emergency vehicles pass on the left - yes, they know they are to pass on the left. As a matter of fact they can ONLY travel on the left and will get into trouble if they travel on the right. So move your ass off the road to the right.

• If you are confronting someone head-on while walking on the street or anywhere, really
If you both move to the right there will never be that awkward dance of "which way do I go?" This also includes going up and down stairs and travelling on a road that doesn't have a line painted down the middle. Unless it's a one way road you should be on the right side.

• When entering or exiting a building or room through double doors
While it seems so much easier to go through which ever door is open - you should opt to go through the door on your right hand side - EVEN if it means you actually have to open the door yourself, you lazy bastard. The other door may be open because someone who isn't lazy is opening the door for themselves, NOT you, you lazy bastard!


2 - BE COURTEOUS
This doesn't have to be anything above and beyond just basic human courtesy. Things like let people get off the fucking elevator before you try to plow your way on. Don't talk on the phone if you are checking out at a cashier. It's rude. We are not robots and neither are they. You can talk about your inane topic once you get through the line; otherwise you're probably holding up everyone else talking about how drunk you were last night or 'did you remember to get peas?' Also learn about personal space - not yours but everyone else's. Don't get into someone else's personal space. If they can raise an elbow and hit you, you're too close. Back the fuck up!


3 - USE A FUCKING TURN SIGNAL
It's great that you know where you're going but we sure as hell don't. If that particular piece of machinery is too complicated to operate, what the hell are you doing driving a car? You might also want to consider turning on your lights if it's raining (so other drivers can see you brainiac, that's why)


4 - NO TAILGATING
By this I mean riding someones ass (bumper) when driving. Feel free to keep getting drunk in parking lots before, during and after ball games!
If the person in front of you is going the speed limit or faster - back the fuck up, otherwise you are just bullying that person with your car. What do you hope to achieve? Most likely that person is aware that you are behind them but are also the victim of one or two slow travellers in front of them - or traffic is just heavy. Where the fuck are you going in such a damn hurry anyway? You are probably not as important as you think you are and people will be okay with you arriving whenever you arrive. If you are late for an appointment or work or something; it's your own damn fault not the person driving in front of you! Get going on time, you lazy bastard! I understand the enjoyment of driving fast but be reasonable. You could also go around that person if you see they are moving slower than you like, brainiac.


These are just a few easy things that everyone could do to make all our lives a bit easier in 2013 and into the future. It's not difficult. I'm not asking you to find a cure for cancer. It's pretty much just learning to pay attention. Something people seem to have forgotten how to do.