Friday, September 7, 2018

Dating: So Sad, It's Funny?

We all know by now that I am an "on again, off again" online/app dater.  I do it for a while until I realize that it is a nightmare and never really meet any "good" people.  I'm not saying they aren't out there; I'm just saying I haven't met them yet. 
So today I just want to take you on a visual ride-along of what that journey looks like.
Buckle up, Buttercup!! 

First, we'll start with some of the choices from the various platforms that made me wonder: WTF?

I think the main thing I want to know here is:
What is going on with your shirt, Patrick?
Are you drunk? Is it drunk?
Were you drunk when you put it on? Did you try to take it off because you were drunk?
I have questions - but not enough to swipe right.

I only have one question here:
Is he trying to smuggle a salami?

I wasn't sure what to think of either of these.
What are we looking at here exactly?

Dane, are you angry?
Did your kids break the fucking lamp again?

Jerry, no dandruff?
thinning hair?
because I know you can't think that man bun is going to do all the work for you.

This one really got me thinking.
Jonathan, are you a lamp?
A ghost in the doorway?
Have you fallen and can't get up?
Then I saw that you wanted to make sure we knew you were a Gemini (props, I am too) - that, coupled with your comment...
it all made sense;
Jonathan, don't build your profile when you're high, bro.

This guy!
Okay, dude, we're clear.

The following was just part of a bio I found amusing. It's from that guy that spams everyone. You can tell by his sentence structure - I mean c'mon, who doesn't love to have a boogie? and you know he has to Europe & Middle East - we all do sometime, don't we??

Okay, that was a fun little adventure.  But how about some actual communications?
Well, I'm glad you asked because I do have a few!!
Let's see.... where to start:

So. Many. Things.
Why contact me if you 'do not know'?
What's up with the bloodshot eyes, guy?
Too much scrolling with not enough blinking?
'Ugh' is right.

That name, dude.
You think you got mad skillz

The sky is married. 
The sky is a hand.
The sky touches the light.
The sky wants to know how I'm doing.
The sky has a small penis I can tell by its hand.

a poem.

excuse me?

and this interaction of relentless pursuit:

 There were actually a few more text exchanges prior to that first one there but I failed to get screen grabs.
He stopped after I figured out his plan to sell me insurance though. 

my question is, who are these almost 1800 men and why are only the weird ones contacting me?
Perhaps I will actually pay to check it out one day when I get serious. but until then...

Monday, September 3, 2018

Seriously Dude?? Rated M for Mature subject matter

Okay this is one of my dating app nightmares.
Brace yourselves.

It started out innocently enough.  I swiped right on a guy on Tinder.
He was young - 30, quite cute and into hooking up or whatever.
I'm always into whatever.
We started texting back and forth within the app.
We then exchanged numbers to move into the "real world" of texting
After a little back and forth he decided it was time to send me a cliché shirtless dude in the bathroom mirror pic.
I was at work.
It was unexpected at 9:30 in the morning, to say the least.
I'm pretty sure he had just woken up, was most likely sporting morning wood and needed some relief.  Me, having been up since 5:30 that morning and at work already for 2 and a half hours, was not in the mood.
The next day was the same and periodically over the next few months, he felt it necessary to send these to me with the expectation that the natural progression would be to send the dreaded DICK PIC.
Its like the MOBY DICK of the female online/dating app existence.
When will the white (or black or other) whale emerge?
Eventually it did show up out of nowhere, and for no reason - there was no flirtatious innuendo texting, no witty banter, nothing.
Just BOOM - here's ma dick.
Upon viewing of the afore mentioned white whale tho, I decided:
I could use the hookup, if nothing else.
Don't judge me - a girl's got needs!
This, of course, opened a flood gate of penises!
He must have had a library of these things stored in his phone.
Like a photoshoot had been scheduled at some point just for this purpose.
Here's my dick from below, and above, and POV, and Your OV and in different locations and various states of undress. At one point I had to respond and ask "Who the hell took this?"
He said he did but I don't think so...
The next few correspondences were about trying to figure out a time to meet for a drink before moving on to the actual "hook up"  Either I was busy or he was busy but the pictures kept coming in.
I mostly wanted this to culminate in something, ANYTHING to stop the onslaught of penis pics.


One weekend I had informed him that I was in Athens and he wanted to come out and stay at my hotel with me - which I may have been into had I not invited a friend to come hang out for the weekend.  He then pursued the whole "is she into threesomes?" avenue.
I put the kibosh on that real quick!!
If I'm going to be in a threesome, it sure as heck ain't gonna be with THOSE two!!
So that sort of ended there.
It was several weeks before he reared his head again - and yes, pun fully intentional.
Finally, we both seemed to be in the same place at the same time and might actually be able to make the hook up happen.
(Now mind you, I have been chatting with about four other dudes simultaneously during this whole progression which is why there was no big hurry to any of this)

Okay, so the big day finally arrives.
We make plans to meet at a location near my place for a drink or whatever after work.
I was pretty excited that something was finally going to come of this.  (absolutely nothing was happening with any of the other guys I was corresponding with)
Of course this meant I had to prune things that normally are left to grow in the wild.
All preparations were made and I was looking forward to the evening.
After getting home I received a text message.
"please don't hate me.  I have to cancel tonight"
WTF?? are you kidding me - after your relentless pursuit??!!
but that wasn't the worst part...
immediately before receiving that text, I received a video with the caption
"Sorry, I couldn't wait and took care of things already"
and yep, you guessed it, it was a video of him wanking.

Seriously, dude!!??

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Shit You Should Know

(this is an old one that I found sitting in the "drafts" folder perhaps I was going to add more but this seems like enough for now)

I began to notice that it seems as though there has been a rise in the number of idiots in the world.  Now perhaps it’s just me getting older or my lack of ability to suffer fools but whatever the case, these are a few small bits of information that I thought might be helpful to those less informed individuals  (I don’t think idiot is an acceptable PC term- so, sorry, to the idiots out there)  It will also help me be less annoyed.
I feel that most of the general population lacks what I refer to as “Sesame Street Skills” and, at the very least, the younger generation who never watched Sesame Street.
Old episodes can be found on YouTube if you wish to go back and learn what you should have learned when you were 4 or 5 years old!
Here we go:
Please get a pen and note pad and not your phone.  I noticed the kids in school who take notes in their phone always fail tests. For some reason they seem to think taking the notes into the phone will miraculously transfer said information into their brain without having to ever look at it again. In reality, I know they just took notes into the phone to appease the professor – so get a pen and paper!

-          Look both ways before crossing the street.  This is done to look for oncoming traffic. It is your responsibility to keep yourself alive.  Yes, pedestrians have the right of way but not if you are not seen.  Sometimes the driver actually doesn't see you.  Sometimes they are participating in a DeathRace situation; in which case you're doomed.  Either way, you can’t go to court and sue if you’re dead.  Remember that.

-          When crossing the street, hopefully at the corner or crosswalk where your ass should be, it is wise to walk BEHIND any car that may be waiting for a stop sign or stoplight.  Remember, it is your responsibility to keep yourself alive.  This will help.  Sometimes drivers get excited and will just go. (or that DeathRace thing) If you cross in front of them, you may die.  If you cross behind their car, you just may live

-          Cross the street at a street corner or crosswalk, dingus.

-          Taking your foot off the accelerator (gas) pedal will slow a car down.  “The hell?”  you say.  It’s true.  You don’t have to slam on your brakes on the highway all the fucking time.  If you see traffic slowing, take your foot off the gas.

-          Don’t stand directly in front and center of an elevator when waiting for it.  Surprise, surprise! Other people may be in there and need to get off.  You will be in their way and vice versa. Don’t be an ass.  Stand to the side.  Preferably the right-hand side but I know that may be pushing it. Let them off before you go all Pavlovian stampeding forward just because you heard the “ding”

-          Move to the right.  I can never stress this enough!!!!  If you are in the US or most other nations that are not British or under British rule; move to the right.

-          If you’re not sure how to do something, try to figure that shit out!  The best way to gain problem solving skills is by… wait for it…. solving problems!  “But how?” you may ask – figure that shit out too, dingus.  (hint: Google knows a lot of stuff; so does YouTube and they put instructions on just about EVERYTHING if you know how to read!  
I know.