Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Unicorn Hunters

To obtain the unobtainable.
To search for that which does not exist.
These are the actions of what I call a Unicorn Hunter.

There are many Unicorn Hunters out there.
People waiting for the right time to have children; looking for the perfect job; seeking the greatest high: playing to win the lottery. (surprisingly the lottery seems to be the most attainable of the list there)

Perhaps the most common is searching for the perfect partner, a soul mate, be they man or woman.
There is no such thing.
There are people with whom you are compatible and those with whom you are not.
Simple as that.

I think online dating has turned so many people into Unicorn Hunters.
Always looking for the next best thing because they may be the “one,”
The unicorn that will be magical and completely change them and their whole life.

I don’t think it works like that.

Would be nice if it did but always being on the hunt and never being satisfied seems tiring and fruitless. They pass up people with whom they are compatible because maybe that person had one annoying habit and they move on to the next.
Always moving on to the next.

If you find that you are always searching for the perfect mate, or greatest adventure or best place on Earth, you may be a Unicorn Hunter.
Perhaps it is time to stop and look at exactly why you want a unicorn and deal with that instead, and not obtaining a unicorn.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Skip to My Loo

Time for a little potty talk.
And by potty talk, I mean the toilet and restrooms and whatnot and the crap that is on my mind pertaining to the subject.
(and yes, I am aware there was kind of a pun there. A shitty one)

When I go into a restroom that has stalls and someone gets into the stall right next to me – even though they don’t have to because more are available - I want to say in a kind of loud whisper: “Thank-you for joining me in my quest.”
If it was not for the wall, then it would pretty much be subway seating.

You know that big stall that’s usually at the end of the row of stalls??
I’m pretty sure that’s a stall for handicapped people and not the luxury suite of the bathroom.
It annoys me when people use it when there are regular stalls available.
But these are most likely the same buttholes that park in a handicapped spot.

I once read some funny graffiti written on one of those toilet seat cover dispensers in a Miami club.

Why do people go into restrooms to make business calls? 
I see women do this quite often. (more times than it should happen, which is never.)
The acoustics are different so people KNOW you are in the restroom.
And what about when someone flushes in the background?
I suggest that when you witness someone making this type of call in the restroom, that you make groaning noise, loud farting noises with your mouth, armpit or whatever ;)  and then flush.

I’d like to end with this piece of advice:
If you don’t talk to me under normal circumstances, then for the love of God, DO NOT try to start up a lively conversation with me in the bathroom.
I mean really, you want to talk to me in the toilet but not the elevator?
I’m in there for one reason and it ain’t to make friends!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Labor Day Whiteout!

Labor Day just passed us by not too long ago. 
It’s kind of one of my favorite holidays.
I like it mostly because it signals the end of the time when people are allowed to wear white.
Especially shoes and pants.
Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about white pants.
Pair them with a nice blue jean vest with nothing under it but a sports bra and you’re ready for any NASCAR or other red-neck variety event. 
Nothing screams, “I’m from the south!!!” like a good ol’ pair of white jeans or white shorts. 
And if they're white jeans shorts - OMG!
White capris make more of a “I’m from the south but want people to think I have money” statement.
If you live in a tropical or sub-tropical climate, I am not opposed to white linen pants and/or shorts etc. They are nice looking and practical – usually flowing, making nice summer lines.
Also, if you are a foreign drug dealer then a nice linen pant suit is acceptable pretty much any time of year.
Everyone else needs to stop with the white britches. 
(the exception here is uniforms – if you must then you must, right?)
White shoes are another story:
Golfing = yes
Sneakers = yes
Bobos = yes
Nursing = yes
Flip-flops = eh
Sandals = eh
Casual = possibly

Dress shoes = NO. NO. NO.

Unless you are a little girl wearing an Easter dress, then NO to any sort of white dress flats.
White pumps are only to be worn by brides.
And beauty pageant contestants.


Labor Day also signals a cooling of temps and the ever popular “sweatshirt” weather.
I’m okay with you wearing a sweatshirt. (not with white pants or shorts, mind you)

Of course Labor Day also sadly means the closing of pools;
The nearing end of ‘drinks on the patio’ weather;
The beginning of football season;
The arrival of the Autumnal Equinox;
And let’s not forget that it also means…

Winter is coming.