Wednesday, April 20, 2011

4 20: A Blog about How to Get Marijuana Legalized

Clearly everyone out there trying to get marijuana legalized 'for medical purposes' is stoned, hence their inability to actually get it legalized.  So I am here to do the clear thinking for you.  again.  First, go get some Taco Bell, then settle down and read this to have your mind absolutely blown away, man.
I have people come up to me all the time with petitions to sign to join the good fight to have marijuana legalized for medical use.  I am all for the legalization of marijuana for medical use. Hell, anyone who knows me and my spinal cord issues knows that I am a prime candidate. So why do I never sign the petitions?
Well, I'm gonna tell you why.  
I thought about this on many occasions and came up with the same result.  I have even explained my results to several of the petitioners who must have been too stoned to really be able to fully absorb what I am about to share with you. 
I am a designer and have worked with the marketing teams for some of the most high profile companies in the world.  This is what I have learned.  Presentation is everything.
If you want normal people to take the issue seriously, it needs to be presented seriously.
I am always approached by someone wearing at least one article of tie-dyed clothing, with dreads and reeking of patchouli, incense, reggae and all the other offensive odors associated with the pot smoking culture.
I don't even want to stand near you for five seconds, let alone long enough to write my name on a clip-boarded sheet of paper. I also don't believe you have anything other than personal recreation use in mind if you should succeed with your mission of legalization. Yes, I'm calling you a liar, hippie.
If you really want marijuana legalized you must appeal to the norm ie: the people who can actually vote to get it legalized because they get up at normal hours and leave the house before the polls close.
Put on a suit or get someone you know to put on a suit.  Take a bath. Use soap. Limit your use of the words 'man' and 'whoa' and 'dude'  I'm the first one to jump into conspiracy mode but you must not bash the government and speak of hidden agendas and all that, after all  the government is going to be the entity that has to legalize it and then also dispense it.  You want them on your side, thats the whole point here.
They have the good shit. 
If at all possible have an actual person who could benefit from the medical use of marijuana out there with you.  Someone with glaucoma or a handicapped person or someone with a terminal painful condition, like myself (I could come with you in your suit, and complain and moan about how much pain I'm in like I do everyday-they would sign it just to shut me up)
And really that's the point here. All the medically necessary users need to bitch and moan and complain enough that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
People are uncomfortable around the handicapped and the blind - let's use that to our advantage.
My sister would never sign a petition like that as it stands now even knowing what I have to live with daily - BUT  if a cute clean cut young man in a suit or traditional 'regular guy' garb approached her and flirted a bit, she would sign in a heart beat! That's how the regular folk are and that's who you need to get this (pardon the pun) rolling.
Get them damn hippies off the street and back on the couches where they belong.
Lets get it legalized the RIGHT way, people.
Do you hear what I'm saying, dude?
Can I get a "whoa?"

Monday, April 11, 2011

searching for work

Looking for work makes me begin to wonder what job it is that I would REALLY like to have.
You know, a job that you would love to go to every day.
Something to look forward to and feel like I'm making a contribution to society.  A way to leave my mark once I've left this world.
These are a few of the occupations that sprang to mind almost immediately:

• Fortune Cookie Fortune Writer.
How sweet would this gig be? Especially knowing that people always tack on "in bed" at the end of their fortune? Awesome for sure.  I could write things like "Today you will have a change of heart" or perhaps "Don't look for happiness. It will find you"  See? I'm really good at this AND when you add the extra bit..... "I'm even better" ;-)

this obviously led to the closest kin of the fortune cookie that we have...

• Dove 'Loney Girl' Chocolates Inspirational Message Writer.
For these we don't need to worry about adding the "in bed" portion because we all know if you're eating these its because you haven't been "in bed" for quite some time.  These need to be more realistic though.  Stop with the "Take advantage of every free moment you have" and the "Keep the promises you make to yourself" crap.  Let's give the ladies helpful advice like "Lose 10 pounds, you'll feel better" or "Reality TV isn't real" or how about just coming right out with it "Save half the bag for tomorrow"

of course deep down we all know I love art so there's

•Make-up Color Namer.
I think this is a job that could really use my skills as an artist as well as some help and honesty.  You know how it is ladies, what the hell is 'midnight rouge' or 'pink in the afternoon'  Really? WTF?
But I'm pretty sure every lady out there knows what 'Hooker Red" is and THAT's what I'm talking about; being honest so you can find your perfect shade.
For face make-up and powders I would have the skin tones more easy to identify.  Fuck neutral beige.
I'm talking about colors like "Ghostly Goth White" and "Pumpkin Face Orange"  and for those that like the artificially tanned look there's "Beef Jerky" and "Honey Baked Ham"
For blusher there's really only one color because NO ONE ever gets this right so let's just make it "Clown Pink"
Lipsticks come in many shades. "Bright Pink Only a Teenager Should be Wearing so Put it back, Grandma" and the afore mentioned "Hooker Red" there's the lovely "I've Been Dead for 3 Days" and a bit darker than that is "Help Me I'm Not Getting Enough Oxygen" and "Goth Kid Black"
Nail polishes run similar to the lipstick shades to avoid any confusion and to help match shades more easily.  The eye shadows are pretty simple too.  We have "Mom's 1960s  Horrid Green" and "Mom's 1960s Light Blue"  Then there's the brownish purples "Just Got Punched in the Eye" and "Punched in the Eye Yesterday" and of course "Goth Kid black"
I could revolutionize the industry!

The last job that sprang to mind I kind of already have but unfortunately don't get paid for it..... yet.
•Beer Taster/Reviewer.
Ask Frank MacBride how good I am at this!! I used to go to the Abbey Brewing Company on Miami Beach and sample all the lovely offerings the taps could provide.  There's the lovely IPA with the aroma of cat pee and the finish of grapefruit rind.  I think that's Frank's favorite - or at least it used to be.  There was the one that tasted like a bock beer in which someone left a band aid for about a week and then removed it and added a single drop of Jaegermeister.  Mmmmm Mmmmmm.  Sounds as refreshing as it tasted.  But there's also my favorite, the one that tastes like apricots.

So there you have it.  A few of my dream jobs.  If you hear of any openings be sure to let me know or feel free to go ahead and drop my name.  I'm cool with that.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Why would you sell furniture at the grocery store?

It's April and that is the thing that is bugging me so far this month.
That and my insomnia.  After a bit of research I've discovered its got a name, DSPS to go along with my PTSD.  Seems my circadian cycle is all jacked up and from what I remember, it has been since I was about 4.  Oh well, what can you do?  The treatments and recommendations all seemed a bit too complicated and expensive BUT if I move to the west coast, I think I will be fine actually.
This totally explains why I can keep a normal schedule everytime I'm in L.A.
Durning my incredible 3 day straight bout of insomnia I had some strange dreams and some weird revelations etc. etc. etc.
I had a dream about planes.  I was in a field somewhere with some kids or maybe I was a kid too, not really sure, and this large plane flies right by us through the wooded area behind us.  It looked like a mix between the SR-71 and an X wing fighter from Star Wars.  It made no sound.  None at all.
I remarked that it was a stealth plane and explained how the plane was able to absorb sound as opposed to creating it.  Was quite interesting science behind it that I completely understood and explained within the confines of my dream.  I explained that it even absorbed the sounds of other objects making sounds such as the trees that it broke as it passed through the woods.
I then saw a second plane that looked like a 1940s army truck of some sort mixed with an F series jet of some sort.  Not too much detail on that one except that when it landed it retracted its wings and drove off like the truck.
Perhaps in my strange brain, mixed somewhere among my crazy math gift/curse this all really makes sense and I really should be doing some sort of research, somewhere.
Instead I just woke up and thought "that was weird and kind of cool" and was a little depressed that my cool planes didn't really exist.
The other thing that bothered me was about stupid people.  Do they know when they start getting old?
I mean, I know smart people do because they begin to realize it is becomming harder to read without glasses and stuff like that.  Then upon further contemplation I thought, "no, I dont think they have a damn clue and thats why you see old ladies with hot pink nails and lipstick that really only looks good on young people"  That damn idiot doesn't realize she's old.
Another thing that old idiots seem to like to do is drive.  Again, too dumb and old to realize they shouldn't be doing it any longer because they are a danger to themselves and everyone else on the damn planet.  Proof that they are idiots is the fact that people always claim "well they have no other option for getting around, poor things"  Well if they were smart they could figure something out, now couldn't they?
Okay so that's my April so far.  I have begun to practice 'sleep hygiene' today so will see how that fares in the treatment of my insomnia.  I have an interview on Friday in the early morning (10:30 my time is early morning) so I need to be fresh and exciting for all that shit.
I'll keep you posted.