Looking for work makes me begin to wonder what job it is that I would REALLY like to have.
You know, a job that you would love to go to every day.
Something to look forward to and feel like I'm making a contribution to society. A way to leave my mark once I've left this world.
These are a few of the occupations that sprang to mind almost immediately:
• Fortune Cookie Fortune Writer.
How sweet would this gig be? Especially knowing that people always tack on "in bed" at the end of their fortune? Awesome for sure. I could write things like "Today you will have a change of heart" or perhaps "Don't look for happiness. It will find you" See? I'm really good at this AND when you add the extra bit..... "I'm even better" ;-)
this obviously led to the closest kin of the fortune cookie that we have...
• Dove 'Loney Girl' Chocolates Inspirational Message Writer.
For these we don't need to worry about adding the "in bed" portion because we all know if you're eating these its because you haven't been "in bed" for quite some time. These need to be more realistic though. Stop with the "Take advantage of every free moment you have" and the "Keep the promises you make to yourself" crap. Let's give the ladies helpful advice like "Lose 10 pounds, you'll feel better" or "Reality TV isn't real" or how about just coming right out with it "Save half the bag for tomorrow"
of course deep down we all know I love art so there's
•Make-up Color Namer.
I think this is a job that could really use my skills as an artist as well as some help and honesty. You know how it is ladies, what the hell is 'midnight rouge' or 'pink in the afternoon' Really? WTF?
But I'm pretty sure every lady out there knows what 'Hooker Red" is and THAT's what I'm talking about; being honest so you can find your perfect shade.
For face make-up and powders I would have the skin tones more easy to identify. Fuck neutral beige.
I'm talking about colors like "Ghostly Goth White" and "Pumpkin Face Orange" and for those that like the artificially tanned look there's "Beef Jerky" and "Honey Baked Ham"
For blusher there's really only one color because NO ONE ever gets this right so let's just make it "Clown Pink"
Lipsticks come in many shades. "Bright Pink Only a Teenager Should be Wearing so Put it back, Grandma" and the afore mentioned "Hooker Red" there's the lovely "I've Been Dead for 3 Days" and a bit darker than that is "Help Me I'm Not Getting Enough Oxygen" and "Goth Kid Black"
Nail polishes run similar to the lipstick shades to avoid any confusion and to help match shades more easily. The eye shadows are pretty simple too. We have "Mom's 1960s Horrid Green" and "Mom's 1960s Light Blue" Then there's the brownish purples "Just Got Punched in the Eye" and "Punched in the Eye Yesterday" and of course "Goth Kid black"
I could revolutionize the industry!
The last job that sprang to mind I kind of already have but unfortunately don't get paid for it..... yet.
Ask Frank MacBride how good I am at this!! I used to go to the Abbey Brewing Company on Miami Beach and sample all the lovely offerings the taps could provide. There's the lovely IPA with the aroma of cat pee and the finish of grapefruit rind. I think that's Frank's favorite - or at least it used to be. There was the one that tasted like a bock beer in which someone left a band aid for about a week and then removed it and added a single drop of Jaegermeister. Mmmmm Mmmmmm. Sounds as refreshing as it tasted. But there's also my favorite, the one that tastes like apricots.
So there you have it. A few of my dream jobs. If you hear of any openings be sure to let me know or feel free to go ahead and drop my name. I'm cool with that.