Monday, January 7, 2013

Your resolutions for 2013

I know that we are already a week into the new year. Many of you have your list of resolutions ready to go and you are feeling good about them. You've put a lot of thought into the list goals and this is the year you are REALLY going to stick to them.
I say throw that shit in the trash because I have a list of resolutions that everyone needs to make or knows someone who needs to. These are what I like to call a return to the basic Sesame Street skills and other things that everyone seems to have forgotten.
This list will make life easier for everyone (including you) if we can all get back to it.

Consider THESE your (or someone you know) new resolutions:

Seems simple enough. If you live in these United States this one simple rule will save you from a whole host of confusion and embarrassments.
A few examples are:
• If you hear a siren behind you in traffic
Do not freeze like some kind of stupid deer or possum caught in the headlights. By law (it's in the driver's manual) you are supposed to MOVE TO THE RIGHT of the road to let emergency vehicles pass on the left - yes, they know they are to pass on the left. As a matter of fact they can ONLY travel on the left and will get into trouble if they travel on the right. So move your ass off the road to the right.

• If you are confronting someone head-on while walking on the street or anywhere, really
If you both move to the right there will never be that awkward dance of "which way do I go?" This also includes going up and down stairs and travelling on a road that doesn't have a line painted down the middle. Unless it's a one way road you should be on the right side.

• When entering or exiting a building or room through double doors
While it seems so much easier to go through which ever door is open - you should opt to go through the door on your right hand side - EVEN if it means you actually have to open the door yourself, you lazy bastard. The other door may be open because someone who isn't lazy is opening the door for themselves, NOT you, you lazy bastard!

This doesn't have to be anything above and beyond just basic human courtesy. Things like let people get off the fucking elevator before you try to plow your way on. Don't talk on the phone if you are checking out at a cashier. It's rude. We are not robots and neither are they. You can talk about your inane topic once you get through the line; otherwise you're probably holding up everyone else talking about how drunk you were last night or 'did you remember to get peas?' Also learn about personal space - not yours but everyone else's. Don't get into someone else's personal space. If they can raise an elbow and hit you, you're too close. Back the fuck up!

It's great that you know where you're going but we sure as hell don't. If that particular piece of machinery is too complicated to operate, what the hell are you doing driving a car? You might also want to consider turning on your lights if it's raining (so other drivers can see you brainiac, that's why)

By this I mean riding someones ass (bumper) when driving. Feel free to keep getting drunk in parking lots before, during and after ball games!
If the person in front of you is going the speed limit or faster - back the fuck up, otherwise you are just bullying that person with your car. What do you hope to achieve? Most likely that person is aware that you are behind them but are also the victim of one or two slow travellers in front of them - or traffic is just heavy. Where the fuck are you going in such a damn hurry anyway? You are probably not as important as you think you are and people will be okay with you arriving whenever you arrive. If you are late for an appointment or work or something; it's your own damn fault not the person driving in front of you! Get going on time, you lazy bastard! I understand the enjoyment of driving fast but be reasonable. You could also go around that person if you see they are moving slower than you like, brainiac.

These are just a few easy things that everyone could do to make all our lives a bit easier in 2013 and into the future. It's not difficult. I'm not asking you to find a cure for cancer. It's pretty much just learning to pay attention. Something people seem to have forgotten how to do.

1 comment:

H said...

Being lefthanded, I have trouble with that walking down a sidewalk move to the right thing. That's why I will die sooner.